Hurt: A Star Wars Fan Fiction
by Siri Kenobi95
Summary: After Tahl's death, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon have a talk and Obi-Wan helps his Master with his grief.


Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars or the Jedi Apprentice series. Those belong to George Lucas and Jude Watson.

Here is a short fan fiction taking place sometime after the book "Jedi Apprentice: The Call to Vengeance" by Jude Watson. References about Tahl's death are from the Jedi Apprentice series and the whole Obi-Wan bringing his Master tea is from "Secrets of the Jedi" by Jude Watson.

Hurt

I wake to the sound my Master, Qui-Gon Jinn, getting out of his bed, the one across from mine, and leaving the room, his restless feet scuffing along the floor in the hall as he began his nightly rounds.

I sit up, running a hand through my short reddish brown hair as I push the blankets off me. I slide out of my bed, my bare feet meeting cold metal. My Master must have been having another nightmare. About _her. _

Pain pinches my chest and I feel a prickle of tears in my eyes as I remember Master Tahl, my Master's best friend...and mine too. I remember how she looked when we found her- how weak and limp her body was, how dim her green and yellow eyes were, and how she said that it was too late for her.

I take a deep breath, once again trying, and failing, to release my grief.

Then I listen for the sound of Qui-Gon, but his footsteps have died away and the hall outside the room Qui-Gon and I share is silent.

'_He probably wandered away from here. To discourage me.'_

I walk to the door and open it, slipping out into the chilly hallway, the melancholy sapphire night-lights glowing on both walls, flanking me like guardian angels. '_It seems so sad out here, out here in the blue and the night. And the light is the same color as the pillar of light they put out for her on New Apsolon...'_

My throat burns and once again I feel tears in my eyes. I quickly wipe them away and walk as quickly as I can to the kitchens.

When I enter, all I can see in the shadows are the deactivated droids in their stationary place by the row of ovens and a bag of sapir tea, a teapot, and a tray with two tea cups. I smile. The cook had saw me when I'd first come hear and she always set out these for me. She knew who I made the tea for and why. I begin heating up the water in the pot, my hands flowing through the motions with a practiced ease. And I think back and remember what happened to them.

_Qui-Gon had been having nightmares- vision really- about Tahl. He didn't exactly tell me what was going on, but I found out. It wasn't that hard. I could sense tension rolling off him in waves, I could feel his body stiffen when he argued with her about going to New Apsolon alone, with her being blind and all, that he didn't think it was safe. And of course that didn't go well. And we followed her, we followed her even though the Council told us not to. And I went anyway, because I had to...because he needed me. I knew he would need me, somehow, in my subconscious, I knew. We found her, undercover, but okay, and at a pause in our 'mission' something happened between the two of them. I'm not exactly sure but I felt a happiness radiating off him, all most like he'd been given the secret of immortality or had found balance in the Force within himself. And Tahl had seemed joyful as well- the both of them like they were walking on the clouds, the sun shinning on them. Then, we were betrayed and Tahl was captured by Bog, who we thought was our ally. And Qui-Gon nearly lost it. He was on edge, like something in him was on the verge of shattering, just like the table he cracked when he found out what had happened. And we chased her and her captor relentlessly, spending days and days on a speeder bike _, _Qui-Gon changing and hardening as we went his agitation and despair clouding him until it was like he was a stranger, not the man who had raised me since I was thirteen. We found her but she was so weak she couldn't even walk and Qui-Gon had to carry her, and swim with her, to safety. We had rushed her to the hospital. _

I swallow as I begin to stir the sapir tea into the steaming water, my chest constricting as I remember the end; _how Qui-Gon had been called into the room by pale-faced and despairing doctors, how I had sat in the waiting room, my head clutched between my hands as I begged and prayed for her to be alright. Then, while I sat shaking and weeping I felt something vanish in a flash, like a huge sun being sucked into a black-hole and I knew-I knew- she had died. My heart had stopped then, my cold hands frozen to my tear-streaked face. Then I heard it, the scream, the scream of agony and grief so deep and so raw that it ripped my heart out. That was when I realized who it was. It was my Master, it was Qui-Gon, who was screaming. My Master, the pillar of calm that had kept me grounded in my years as his apprentice, was screaming, his voice expressing a grief that knew no bounds, a grief I had never experienced. I'd rushed and found him, bent over her, wailing, his hands clutching hers, his forehead against hers. A small smile remained on her frail, pallid face, like she'd just been told the most wonderful news in the galaxy. I looked back at my Master and saw the violent rigidness of his shoulders and heard the sobs that were coming from him. 'Qui-Gon...' I slowly went to him, my heart breaking with every step I took. Then he turned to me and for a moment I thought I saw a corpse. His eyes were hollow and dark with grief, his face drawn. He had lost something, something so immense I didn't understand it._

_ It was then I knew he had been changed forever, and that I even though I grieved, it would never match his. I had stared at him not sure what to do, not sure if I could even do anything. I had never learned what to do in this situation, never. I took a deep breath and drew close to the bed where Tahl lay, happy and at peace. I had placed my hand on his shoulder and told him "Let me help you, Master."_

_ And he said there was nothing left for him but revenge. Revenge: a path to the darkside, an act forbidden to the Jedi. The Qui-Gon I once known would never had done it. But this new Qui-Gon would. But he hadn't, Tahl's voice had come to him in time, but I knew that Qui-Gon wasn't over her death. He'd never accepted it. _

I take another breath as I finish with the tea, placing the pot and empty cups on the tray, my hands shaking from the memories, of the events that never leave me. _Will _never leave I lift the tray and start down the passage, stretching my senses out for my Master, searching for him, knowing that, even though he denied it, he needed me. I quicken my pace, my footsteps sounding loud in the silent hallway. Then I sense him, feel his grief rolling off him in waves as I approach a bend in the corridor. I pause, not wanting to intrude, encase he was weeping. After a moment I square my shoulders and walk around the corner and see my Master, his strong back hunched, his face lowered, his hands clasped before him. Then, without turning, without even looking in my direction he says, with a hint of amusement in his voice,

"I think I can live one night without you bringing me tea, my young Padawan."

I close my eyes a moment, preparing myself for the question that I've been working up the courage to ask.

"Its not the tea Master, its the thought. I want to do this for you. You need to know-you need to know that I care." Qui-Gon turns to me and smiles sadly, but the smile doesn't reach his piercing blue eyes. And my heart breaks all over again. I fervently want to see him smile again, like he had when he and Tahl had spoken and something had happened. I walk over to him and touch him arm.

"Master please...let me help you." Qui-Gon sighs and sits on the floor, his back pressed to the wall, the sapphire lights above throwing his face into bright relief and I see how old he suddenly looks.

A shiver undulates up my spine as I sit down beside him, placing the tray before us. I pour him a cup of sapir tea- which is his favorite- and hand it to him. He wraps his large hands around it and nods his thanks to me and I fill mine up as well, steeling myself for the question I have to ask.

"Obi-Wan...I thank you for your concern for me. I-" he cuts off but I know what he means.

'_He doesn't want to be out here alone with his grief.' _We sit side my side, my shoulder leaning into his strong muscular arm as we watch the lights dance on the wall in-front of us.

Then I ask-

"Master, did you-do you love Tahl?" The question cracks in the quiet and I feel a shift in my Master, as if the layers and walls he'd built up inside of him were peeling and rippling and opening like a flower. The breath catches in my throat as I feel that seed within the mystery that is Qui-Gon Jinn, that seed of truth. I look at his face and I can see, in the lights from above, tears streaming from his eyes. Suddenly I couldn't handle it. I had to help him. I couldn't see him cry like this, I had to help him.

I reach up and place the palm of my hand on his arm and wait.

"Yes I did, Padawan. I do and I always will." his voice is tight and rough and..._ashamed._

Then he puts a hand to his face.

"But...even though its against the rules...I know what I feel...and I don't regret it."

"Love isn't wrong," I tell him softly. He looks at me, his eyes so deeply sad I thought I was looking into a dark abyss in some horror legend of old.

"_Attachment _is wrong, _passion_ is wrong, but love isn't." I pause then whisper,

"I loved her too. She was like a mother to me. My mother. Just like you are my father."

I feel something inside of him break then and suddenly he had pulled me to him, his arms tight around me.

"Thank you, Obi-Wan. Thank you." And I knew, that even if I hadn't ended my Master's grief, and even though I could never take away his pain, I knew that he knew I was always there for him. That, no matter how many mistakes he or I made, we would always love each other. Forever.

And that contented me more than anything.


End file.
